My first love. We met in driver's ed when I was 15, so 27 years ago.  Wow!  He is the father of my beautiful child.  We are not together now, but have a respected relationship that has taught me to stay true to my beliefs, even if I am the only person who can see the beauty in it.

If you don't take care of your body, where will you live?  Author unknown.  Just read this quote early this morning in my latest read from Dan Millman:  Everyday Enlightenment.  Brilliant!

I love to paint pottery! One time we created an entire kitchen table - the top of it with individual square tiles.  Each tile was special with grandkid's handprints and other designs ... when it all came together it was like a quilt.  My mom loved it!  I also love scrapbooking, but have not done this in a few years. 

I miss the strong, independent, confident woman I used to be.  It wasn't all that long ago; I guess a couple of years is all it took to turn my life upside down.  That, and a couple of addictions that caused me to lose my home, my sanity, and the somewhat warped sense of peace I used to have. 

The tears flow freely as I now realize this is yet another 'rock bottom' for me.  In some ways grateful, as I do believe it is on this path where I have finally started to feel enlightened.  And the more spiritual knowledge I gain, the more unacceptable my current life becomes. 

I am having a little pity-party for myself right now.  I do know that I need to get over it and it's the slow, burning, realization that I am the only one that can make my life better.  I also know that love is not enough, except to love myself ... enough to be strong and do the right things. 
I need to get off this insane rollercoaster and move ahead.  It's scary to be on such an unpredictable ride; and to then fall off, as hard as I did this morning.  The unknown of what lies ahead ... hmmm.  I just hit a realization that the unknown cannot be as scary as the known.   Because now I know that I can wish until I am blue in the face, but that won't make someone else change, as I can only clean up my side of the street.  And it doesn't matter what kind words might exchange after such cruel behavior I witnessed once again ... it will happen again.  The YTD sum of it:  This will happen again, whether it's 2 days from now, a week, month  ... in this situation, I will always be waiting ' for the other shoe to drop.'  

Today I will work on my independence.  I will not sulk or cry anymore today.  I will be productive in working towards my goal of living in a peaceful environment.  I truly don't think my spirit will grow until I get my physical body in a peaceful surrounding.  I will continue to keep a daily log of occurrences as a truthful reminder of the day-to-day insanity that I must remove myself from.  I will not get too overwhelmed with the aspects of moving on.  I will take steps to make progress, even if it is slow.  I will keep things in perspective as similar patterns will likely emerge that keep me on that rollercoaster ride.  I will accept the fact that love is not enough and sometimes there are unhealthy loves (I believe that is all I have ever known).   I will look within for peace and acceptance of this destructive chapter of my life needing to close, for I am eager to start anew.  I deserve a peaceful existence and so does my son. 

So, me ... sorry that I lost you and chose ugly addictions over stability, peace and independence.  I was blinded in so many ways.  I chose a road that sent me backwards, and I am now finding strength to follow a new path.  I miss you so much (whoops, more tears) and know that I cannot take back anything from my past, but I sure as shit can put one foot forward today and start on a new path.  I will be the bigger person, I will persevere, I will be okay, and I will get to a place where I can just 'be' at peace.  From there, my life will unfold and abundance will surely follow.

Pink for Mara!  A baby's funeral ... she drowned two months ago.  An 'almost' relative that I only met once; this little baby girl left an impact!  I was antsy to get to the service, waiting on the man to join me, so I did my part in grieving by writing in her online guestbook.  I wrote a poem:

Little Mara blessed my presence on a hot spring day.
Scott's birthday at the park, all the kids (and adults) were at play.
This sweet little girl came up to me, not even a bit shy.
She was on a mission, that I cannot deny.

There were coolers everywhere, picnic in full swing.
Our group arrived fashionably late, what a familiar ring.
Blessed with Mara's presence, without even thinking twice.
It came clear what she was after:  All that wonderful ice!

Watched her I did, the pleasure and delight all mine.
For something happened that day, doesn't happen all the time.
Mara touched my heart and I knew this to be true.
Just a precious little girl through and through.

She got all the ice she wanted, kept coming back for more.
With all the wonders in the world, children are to adore.
For on that one blessed day, as hot as it was,
I was forever touched by Mara, just because.

Now the days are even hotter, as ice melts way too fast.
So many hearts are aching, longing to change the past.
Yet touched we are, each and every one who knows,
How our love for simply-blessed days grows and grows.

Thank you, Mara, for blessing me that day and now.
May you watch over your family so they can move on, somehow.
I will think of you and smile, on those hot picnic days.
With a cooler full of ice, my heart grows bigger in so many ways.

Why did this service touch me?
Well, the ceremony was ALL PINK, even the men wore pink ties.  The church was standing room only.   In the very beginning, they brought all the small kids up front and had a special service for them, then they each got a special gift ... one of Mara's stuffed animals, and they went on their way.

After the ceremony, we went to the Celebration of Life party which was even more pink in this gorgeous reception room at a hotel.  When I first saw the room, I commented on how beautiful everything was and just loved the big centerpiece.  Well, it was not until a few glasses of wine later when it dawned on me:  THE CENTERPIECE WAS A GIANT ICE SCULPTURE!  It hit me when the ice started melting ... the design was a huge rectangle with birds carved throughout. 

Needless to say, most recent and most touching service I have been to!  Now, I find these opportunities that crop up everywhere and say to myself, 'Pink for Mara' whether it's a neon straw for my icewater, or a new sweater for the cooler weather.

In closing, my sincere prayers to this family as they still struggle to find their way.

To save face.  This would be of external benefit only; because it only makes it more torture on the inside.  I would prefer to leave out details than directly lie about something; it's just not in my nature.

My most recent torture would be the lies I tell myself.  That things will get better at home.  That change will come; yet knowing that I cannot control this of others.  The internal lies are starting to shift into more of a reality-mode for me.  Where hope diminishes at least I can start seeing some truth, even if it's scary and painful.

Lego my ego; that's what I am striving for!  I believe it is my trained ego that keeps me caught up with the small shit.  My definition of a 'strong' ego means that I let my ego rule over my spirit; which is not good.  I would rather let go of ego, not necessarily making it weak, but less dominating ... and that will allow my spirit to reside and be more controlling of my thoughts/feelings which then result in my reality. 

I have tripped myself up quite a lot lately.  Filled with insecurities, uncertainties and bogged down by frustrations of not being able to control others.  If my ego could be in check, I believe my mindset would be more driven in the right spiritual direction for me without losing focus on the many things that I cannot control.   This has all been very obvious to me recently and I am hopeful for exchanging my current/old patterns with new/better insights on the stuff that truly matters. 

I'm a swinger (in the playground sense).  Swinging high and seeming to touch the sky; always loved it.  Even made it into a workout activity for me when my son was a toddler and we always rode bikes to the park, holding the abdomen muscles in and doing all sorts of leg variations ... it's a great workout!

Morning coffee and my latest book. Just finished 'The Field' and now reading 'Molecules of Emotion.'  This is the only time I dedicate to being a true knowledge sponge; so I love it.

This month will provide me clarity with being on a positive, growing path in my partner relationship.   I will feel at peace with where I am and know that my environment will be supportive of the beautiful spiritual path unfolding before me.   I will take actions that benefit a positive state of being, knowing that this is what must be for me.  I will look within for the daily peace I strive for.  I will control what I can control and let go of anything else.  I will be.